I am a 48 year old male, white (British), single, employed professionally, with an unfortunate history, however much it generated itself in my youth, of sinful and reckless, hedonistic and foolish behaviour. I am also sexually conflicted and guilty of sexual relations with some strange and ugly people. Suffice it to say, I am also almost universally hated. But this is just an introduction, not the purpose of this project. However, in the process of turning away from the behaviours and mistakes that made me this way, I have often found solace in writing about my experiences and my study and knowledge of God, which leads me onto the purpose of this website and of my other blogs:
God has a terrible reputation. But if you’ve spent any time observing human behaviour, you will perhaps agree with me that it’s not entirely his fault, or even perhaps not his fault at all. Let me be blunt for a moment, then I promise to conduct this project in a manner fitting of one who has given his life to God: humans suck ass. Most of all they’re hypocritical, and all the other vices, you will find, stem from this essential lack of knowledge: hypocrites are also cowards, and as a result humanity is going to be captured by their greatest enemy, the Devil; for “cowardice leads to capture,” according to The Art of War (and we are “at war,” aren’t we?) but that’s the subject of another blog.
If you’ve ever spent time in a church, or a court, or a public office, you will have noticed that among these human beings, there are many examples of people who “call on the name of the Lord.” It is to these people particularly that I have been forced to write and explain my position. Having barely escaped from the local church with my integrity but not my reputation intact, and because I also know that the people I am writing to and about will not read this until its intended damage is done, there is going to be a certain poetic justice about this website and its associated projects, which will help me greatly as I seek redemption in the world.
But the question I have now posed in starting to run with this project is the same for everyone, whether you are actually hypocritical or not (although we’re all somewhat hypocritical, right?), which is: do you really love God? Some of you might say that you don’t believe in God, which I accept, but I’m willing to bet that most of these people will also have an innate sense of right and wrong; a morality which will not allow them to transgress pass a certain type of behaviour; and also that these people are rightly outraged by some of the behaviour of people in this world; and to these people I say that you have already proved that you do have a moral code by which you live, and if this did not come from a totally fair and impartial judge of all mankind, then where else could it have come from?
We might disagree on the existence of God for a long time but it matters not. He exists at least in the hearts and minds of those who long to see justice done; in those who long to be loved; in those who have been wronged; in those who cannot find their way; in those who have no sight, or hearing, or hope, or purpose: in one way or another, in could be argued, he exists in the heart and mind of every person who draws breath. To believe that he exists is no big deal, and my contention is that most people have some appreciation of his existence, whether they believe in the Christian God, or the Muslim God, of the Buddhist equivalent: but to believe in his existence is one thing: to love him is something entirely different.
Do I love God, I hear (not literally), you say? I try to but, like you, I am a hypocrite. I hate my enemies and often feel no “love” for them at all. But what I think and what I do are often, and necessarily, different. I refer to the scriptural truth as given in the bible as the final authority for the motivation of my behaviour, and although I, like you, often miss the mark in relation to this standard of living, I persist in what I hope to be true: namely, that there is a universal justice and that God in his infinite and loving wisdom will one day make things right with his servants. But because I believe this I also feel that the behaviour of, particularly, those who call upon his name must be held to account, for it is largely their fault that his reputation is so bad.
And so this is the purpose of this project – to challenge you and all my peers to question their devotion to the God in which they believe, and hopefully in the process to in some way correct the errors that have developed over the centuries, and perhaps even to refresh the prophetic vision and help you, and me, to instil a faith in humanity that might go some way to repay the debts of all the lives who’ve failed to even try to convince their fellow men that a life lived for God is a life which leaves no regret.
I hope you enjoy this website and that if you share an opinion, that you understand that in tyring to convince me of “God’s goodness,” those who have for so long opposed me have prompted me to write this website in the first place, i.e. that your words have power and you’re never really sure if by condemning someone, you might actually strengthen their hand.
Incidentally, if you like what you see here and want to read more, please visit:
www.whatshisnumberthough.com for my posts about redemption and grace;
www.canheforgivethough.com for my piss taking because no one was listening to anything I was saying.